Help a friend
Most students have been in a situation where they have supported a friend with their mental health, yet many didn’t feel prepared.1 Here are some strategies to help you listen and support when a friend is experiencing problems with their mental health. Always remember, you don’t have to do this alone.
When asked, 83% of students said they had supported a friend struggling with their mental health.1 This can happen for lots of reasons, like:
- mental health concerns are common
- many students don’t know where to go for support
- students often share concerns with a friend before they share them with an adult
In #HearNowON 2021, students told us that a friend is often the first person they turn to when they are struggling with their mental health. Students also shared that they wanted to learn more about ways to support their friends.2 It’s not always easy to know what to do or say when helping a friend. We’ve put together some tips and information to help you learn more about how to deal with different situations.
Signs to watch for
Just like with your own mental health, changes in a friend’s behavior, thoughts, and emotions can be signs that they need some more support. Here are some questions to think about:3
- Have you noticed a change in how your friend is thinking, feeling, or acting?
- Is it affecting their life negatively? For example, are they missing classes or reducing the time spent with their family and friends?
- Have you noticed this change or concern for some time, like more than a couple of weeks?
- Have you noticed they are dealing with their problems in unhealthy ways?
How you can help friends
The best thing we can do for our friends is to be there for them. Don’t judge or try to fix their problems. Instead, listen and help them connect to adults they trust who can give them the appropriate mental health help they need. Also, remember to reach out for support if you need to, your health is important and it may be impacted by the conversations you are having as you support your friends.
Here are simple, everyday things you can do to care for others:
- Check in and take an interest in what’s going on in other’s lives.
- Be kind – you never know what someone else is carrying.
- Be supportive in how you interact with others in person and on social media.
- Include people – notice others and invite them to join in on what you are doing.
- Help others make safe and healthy choices, while respecting their autonomy. Give others the support to rise above peer pressure.
Remember the 5 Golden Rules
If you’re supporting a friend with their mental health, the 5 Golden Rules from BeThere.org can help. Here’s what they look like.4
- Say what you see: reach out when you notice something is different. Stick to the facts and avoid assumptions. Tell your friend the changes you’ve noticed, let them know you’re concerned, and ask if they’re okay.
You could say something like:
- “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s it going?”
- “Hey I noticed ____, How is it going? You doing alright?”
- Show you care: don’t assume you know what your friend needs or what is best for them. Ask them! Create a safe environment by being inclusive, helpful, compassionate, and a good listener.
You could say something like:
- “What can I do to help?”
- “What would be supportive to you?”
- “Would it be ok if we try _____ and see how it goes?”
- Hear them out: open up space for them to speak. Ask follow up questions and validate how they’re feeling. If your friend doesn’t want to talk, let them know you’ll continue to be there, if they change their mind.
You could say something like:
- “I hear you, that sounds super hard. Can you tell me more about that?”
- “How are you feeling now?”
- Know your role: your role is to be there and listen, not to fix things. Set boundaries to help protect your friendship and your own mental health.
You could say something like:
- “It’s really late and we both need sleep, but we can talk more tomorrow.”
- “I care about you and I’m here for you. I need to take care of my mental health too, and there are some things I’m not comfortable talking about.”
- “I have to go to class this afternoon. I’ll check back in with you after.”
- “I appreciate you sharing this with me as I can imagine it being difficult. I don’t have capacity to respond to this right now, but can we follow up on this later?”
If your friend has said something that makes you worry about their safety or the safety of other people, it’s important to respond right away. Connect with support, even if your friend has asked you not to or if this means waking up a parent/caregiver or calling a crisis line.
- Connect to help: offer support to help your friend find resources, get help, and know what to expect. If a friend doesn’t “click” with the first support, encourage them to keep trying!
You could say something like:
- “You’re not alone. Have you thought about talking to a professional or an adult you trust in your community?”
- “Who else do you trust that could help you work through this?”
- “This is too big for the two of us. We need extra help.”
- “I care about you too much not to tell someone who can help us.”
- “Do you want me to come with you?”
Know the difference between secrecy and privacy
There are many things you can do to support a friend with a mental health concern, but it’s important that you know you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes we need extra help for our friends, and that can involve sharing a concern about a friend with someone else. This can feel very personal, and you may worry about breaking a friend’s trust. But there are important differences between secrecy and privacy.
- Secrecy involves not telling anyone information, even people who need it.
- Respecting privacy means sharing only the information needed and only with those who need it, to help someone or keep them safe.
If you notice a change in a friend’s behaviour that is intense, long-lasting, and having a big impact on their day-to-day life, your friend might be dealing with more than the usual ups and downs of life and may need some extra support. Speak to a caring adult, or connect with a helpline to discuss next steps. For some suggestions on where to go for help, check out Support Your Mental Health. For people dealing with a mental health concern, sharing only the information needed with those who can help can be an important step on their healing journey.5
If your friend says or does something that makes you worry about their safety or the safety of anyone else, let someone know right away, even if your friend asks you not to. If someone is in crisis, the best way to be a good friend is by getting them the help that they need.
Check in with yourself
Your mental health is important! Remember to check in with yourself, take some time to care for yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Check out support your mental health for more information.
How to ask for help
Asking for help seems like a big step, but it isn’t as hard as it seems. Once you have decided to ask, and have an idea of who you will approach, it is a matter of finding a few words to start off with. The rest usually falls into place because you are then sharing the burden with a caring adult.
Here are some conversation starters:
I haven’t been feeling well lately and I think I need some help.
Things haven’t been going well for me. I need some help to turn things around.
I can’t seem to get past the feelings I’m having. I wanted to reach out before things got worse.
I don’t know if you can help me, but I’m hoping you can help me to find someone who can. I’m worried that I have a problem with my mental health.
I’m not good at asking for help, and I wish I didn’t have to, but I don’t think I can handle this alone. Can you help me?
1 Be There – a resource by jack.org. (n.d.). Building Be There.
2 #HearNowON 2021: Student Voices on Mental Health – School Mental Health Ontario. (2021).
3 Government of Ontario. Children and Youth Mental Health: Signs and Symptoms.
4 Be There – created by Jack.org. (n.d.).
5 Prizeman, K., McCabe, C., & Weinstein, N. (2024). Stigma and its impact on disclosure and mental health secrecy in young people with clinical depression symptoms: A qualitative analysis. PLOS ONE, 19(1). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0296221