Help a friend
Most students have been in a situation where they have supported a friend with their mental health, yet many didn’t feel prepared to do so.1 Here are some strategies to help you listen, support and remind yourself (and your friends) that you don’t have to do this alone.
Students often speak with their friends when they’re struggling with their mental health. In #HearNowON 2021, students told us that a friend is often the first person they turn to when they’re having a hard time. These conversations happen between students for many reasons, including:
- feeling more comfortable sharing concerns with a friend first
- stigma can make it hard to reach out to an adult for help
Many students don’t know where they can find mental health support or how to ask for help from adults. Students also shared that they wanted to learn more about ways to support their friends when someone reaches out to them with a mental health concern.2 It’s not always easy to know what to do or say when someone you care about is having a tough time so, we’ve put together some tips and information to help you feel more ready and confident to deal with different situations.
By talking openly with your friends about mental health, you are not only offering support but also helping to break down stigma and make it easier for others to reach out for help.
Check in with yourself
Helping a friend can feel meaningful, but it might also be emotionally heavy. It’s important to check in with yourself before, during, and after you help a friend. Take some time to care for yourself and reach out for help when you need it. Check out the support your mental health resource for more on taking care of yourself.
You can’t pour from an empty cup! Looking after yourself helps you keep showing up for others in a healthy way.
Ask yourself:
- Do I have what I need to stay well?
- Do I have the time and energy to manage a difficult conversation right now?
- Who can I reach out to if the conversation feels too heavy to manage alone?
Signs to watch for
Just like with your own mental health, changes in a friend’s behaviour, thoughts, and emotions can be signs that they need some more support. Here are some questions to think about:3
Here are simple, everyday things you can do to care for others:
- Have you noticed a change in how your friend is thinking, feeling, or acting?
- Is this change getting in the way of important things in their life? For example, are they missing classes or spending less time with their family and friends?
- Have you noticed this change or concern for some time, like more than a couple of weeks?
- Have you noticed they are dealing with their problems in ways that don’t seem to be helping?
- Are they carrying too much by themselves?
How you can help friends
The best thing we can do for our friends is to be there for them. This could be listening without judgement, sharing stories, spending time together, or even sitting in silence. What matters most is helping them feel connected and supported.
If you’re supporting a friend, think about how you can:
- know your role and stay in it
- know when it is time to bring in an adult to help
- check on and support your own mental health
Remember the 5 Golden Rules of being there for your friend
If you’re supporting a friend with their mental health, the 5 Golden Rules from BeThere.org can help. Here’s what they look like.4
Reach out when you notice something is different. Stick to the facts and avoid assumptions and judgement. Tell your friend the changes you’ve noticed, let them know you’re concerned, and ask if they’re okay.
You could say something like:
- “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s it going?”
- “Hey, I noticed you haven’t been laughing as much as you used to. How is it going? You doing alright?”
Don’t assume you know what your friend needs or what is best for them. Ask them! Create a supportive environment by being inclusive, helpful, compassionate, and a good listener.
You could say something like:
- “What can I do to help?”
- “What would be supportive to you?”
- “Would it be ok if we try _____ and see how it goes?”
Give room for them to speak. Ask follow-up questions and validate how they’re feeling. If your friend doesn’t want to talk, let them know that you’ll continue to be there if they change their mind.
You could say something like:
- “I hear you, that sounds super hard. Can you tell me more about that?”
- “How are you feeling now?”
Your role is to be there and listen, not to fix things. Set boundaries to help protect your friendship and your own mental health.
You could say something like:
- “It’s really late and we both need sleep. Can we talk more tomorrow?”
- “I care about you and I’m here for you. I need to take care of my mental health too, and there are some things I’m not comfortable talking about.”
- “I can’t talk right now, but can we talk about this later?”
- “I want to help, but I’m not an expert. Do you think it might help to talk to someone who is?”
If your friend has said something that makes you worry about their safety or the safety of other people, it’s important to connect with a caring adult, even if your friend has asked you not to. This may mean waking up a parent/caregiver or calling a crisis line.
Offer to help your friend find mental health supports. If a friend doesn’t “click” with the first helper, encourage them to keep trying!
You could say something like:
- “You’re not alone. Have you thought about talking to an adult you trust?”
- “Who else cares about you who could help you work through this?”
- “This is too big for the two of us. We need extra help.”
- “I care about you too much not to tell someone who can help us.”
- “Do you want me to come with you?”
Sometimes it might feel awkward or tough to bring up difficult conversations with a friend. Starting the conversation in a way that sounds natural to you, and fits how you and your friends actually talk, can help. People usually won’t come out and say, “I’m suicidal,” but they might post something dark, pull away from people, or make jokes about not wanting to be here.
You could say something like:
- “You’ve been saying some heavy stuff… are you okay for real?”
- “When you say, ‘you’re done,’ do you mean like ‘done-done’?”
- “That post you made… should I be worried?”
If you’re ever worried about a friend, it’s also okay to ask them directly if they’re thinking about suicide. It can also help reduce stigma and open the door for your friend to share.
You could say something like:
- “Are you thinking about suicide?”
- “Are you thinking about death or dying?”
- “You’ve seemed really down lately. Are you thinking about suicide?”
- “Sometimes when people talk about death or joke about not being here, they’re really struggling. Are you okay?”
If your friend shares that they are thinking about suicide or not wanting to live, it’s important to get help right away. Your role is to stand beside them and help them connect with others who can support them. Even if your friend isn’t thinking about suicide, but you still feel worried, it’s still okay to reach out for help.
For more, check out How to help a friend navigate thoughts of suicide from Kids Help Phone.
You don’t have to do it alone
There may be times when your friend needs more support than you can give. If you notice a change in a friend’s behaviour that is intense, long-lasting, and having a negative impact on their day-to-day life, your friend might be dealing with more than the usual ups and downs of life, and they might need support from a trusted adult or a mental health professional, like a teacher, guidance counsellor, faith or cultural leader, Elder, family doctor, social worker, or psychologist.
If your friend has said or done something that makes you worry about their safety, the safety of someone else, or that they might be thinking about suicide, it’s important to tell an adult you trust right away, even if your friend asks you not to. The best way to be a good friend is by getting them the help that they need. If a trusted adult is not available, you can contact one of the free phone/text lines listed the Helpline Hub. They will help you to help your friend.
Trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, ask for help.
Secrecy versus privacy
There are many things you can do to support a friend with a mental health concern, but it’s important to know that you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes we need extra help for our friends, and that can involve sharing a concern about a friend with someone else. This can feel very personal, and you may worry about breaking a friend’s trust. But there are important differences between secrecy and privacy.
- Secrecy involves not telling anyone information, even people who need it.
- Respecting privacy means sharing only the information needed and only with those who need it, to help someone or keep them safe. Doing so can be an important step on their path to feeling better.5
Check out the Helpline Hub to learn more about the resources available.
Check in with yourself (again)
Like we said earlier, it’s important to check in with yourself before, during, and after you help a friend.
Ask yourself:
Check out support your mental health for more on taking care of yourself.
1 Be There – a resource by jack.org. (n.d.). Building Be There.
2 #HearNowON 2021: Student Voices on Mental Health – School Mental Health Ontario. (2021).
3 Government of Ontario. Children and Youth Mental Health: Signs and Symptoms.
4 Be There – created by Jack.org. (n.d.).
5 Prizeman, K., McCabe, C., & Weinstein, N. (2024). Stigma and its impact on disclosure and mental health secrecy in young people with clinical depression symptoms: A qualitative analysis. PLOS ONE, 19(1). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0296221